Goss's 2M of Wasted Bandwidth
Monday, May 26, 2003
My father and I play a little game...whenever one of us is somewhere where the other would want to be, we telephone with the sole purpose of rubbing the not-present individual's nose in the fact that they are not there. Past phone calls have included calls from the Gulf of Mexico, the shore of the Atlantic, the shore of the Pacific, on top of Mt. Ranier (although, knowing my dad, it wasn't the actual top, but probably just the highest you could get reach by car), sailing on Puget Sound, ect ect
A coworker of mine topped both of us...yesterday, he called the restaurant to say hello...from an internet cafe in Paris.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
So Brian is moving again...but this time, it's only down the hall, to a smaller unit.
No problem, right?
Riiight...
I headed over to his place right after class, which put me there around 1:30pm. He's not in the old unit (I have a key), so I go bang on the door to the new unit. He's still asleep (damn night owl). So I return to the old unit with the intent to do a little packing while he takes a shower and gets dressed.
Riiight...
He shows up sometime after 2:00. I've skipped lunch, so has he. He has to go downtown to pick up a part for the handtruck, meaning Mary Mac's Tea Room for lunch. We get the part, eat lunch, and leave the restaurant sometime around 3:30. We're back in Marietta around 4:00. Time for more packing!
Riiight...
One box of papers gets packed. Two handtrucks full of previously-packed boxes are taken to the new apartment. A load of dishes is washed. It's sometime around 5:30. Oops! Gotta go to Home Depot and get a new dryer cord! We stopped at JD's apartment to say howdy, which ends up in us returning to Brian's old apartment so JD can put the new wheels on the wheeltruck. Not sure why, but some filing down is needed. I take a nap on the rolled-up carpet while this goes on.
We're done! We're gonna go get the new dryer cord, and I'm going to run across the street, dash into the department store, and we'll be done so we can get back to moving.
Riiight... Two hours later we leave the mall.
We get back to the apartment with the intent to move what boxes we can *and* the washing machine. Oops! Brian's new downstairs neighbor, who is a nurse who has to get up at 5:00, who complained to the leasing office about him moving stuff in the night before, appears to be in bed (her lights are off). Scratch the washing machine idea!
We spend the next hour sorting through various boxes of stuff, having one of those nothing-sacred conversations (like Anne and I have while caching). We manage to get about ten (if that many) boxes moved. Ooops! it's almost 11:00! I have to go home! See you tomorrow night!
Riiight...
While Brian is my favorite fucking-off buddy, it is absolutely impossible for us to combine our efforts to get something constructive done. As a moving team...we suck!
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
OK...this sucks incredible huge big fat ass for me, as my place of employment is located in The Prado...and it happened *directly* across from the main entrance, which is *now* blocked off. We've been doing our best to celebrate "Sinkhole de Mayo" by passing out free beer coupons to motorists in stand-still traffic.
They've found all sorts of goodies in the pond; trash, old shopping carts, bikes, and a pickup truck.
Sunday, May 18, 2003
As I'm writing this, I'm stuck in Columbus, waiting out a severe thunderstorm warning. Normally STW's have a tornado watch piggybackin' on them, which can turn to a tornado warning in no time flat.
I think that the tornado-rich "weather geography" of this area proves that Columbus is nothing more than a large trailer park.
But I already knew that.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
I stumbled across this in the AJC.
::whistles innocently:: "Oh no...I've never done that." (Re: LIAR!)
Once, I took a gallon of beer from my brew-pub-at-the-time up to Washington ...God knows how many open container laws that broke (a testament to just how poor airport security was prior to 9-11). Karma took care of my flagrant-disrespect-of-the-law...the beer went flat.
Monday, May 12, 2003
Today, I had my first experience with wheatgrass juice.
...so The Boss and I are out running errands, and he drags me into Whole Foods Market (mind you, I'm not complaining...it's my favorite grocery). You gotta admire their marketing schtick; as soon as you walk in, you are greeted with bountiful, farmer's market-like displays of fresh, colorful produce (complete with decorative straw bedding and peach baskets), fresh cut flowers in rustic tin buckets, and the smoothie stand. The pastry case is also included in this arrangement, making the contents look convincingly healthy.
The Boss pauses at the smoothie stand, as he knows the smoothie...barista? He asks me if I've ever had wheatgrass juice.
It's a reputed super-food. I'm suspicious.
"No." So he orders a double shot.
The barista clips a large handful of grass from an on-display greenhouse tray and starts to feed it into a heavy metal grinder. It plugs and plugs and plugs, and a green liquid begins to drip into a small pitcher. The spent grass chugs it way out of the end of the grinder, resembling what I find on the floor when the cats eat my plants. The end product is about 2oz worth of liquid.
This stuff is green....as in Crayola. It's greener than the grass before it went into the grinder. As The Boss is paying, I watch a thick, velvety, lighter-green foam rise to the top of the fluid (probably CO2 bubbles), and I recall a toothpaste of the same color green. Or maybe it was a car wax, I'm not sure.
And then it happens. He passes the cup to me. "Drink." Seeing no way out of it, I took a sip.
Saccarine-sweet, with spicy-oniony undertones and a bit of bitter finish. Not bad, but definately not good. "It would be better with vodka."
As we continued our visitation-round through the store, I kept having flashbacks. I'd suddenly taste the sweet-bitter-green flavor, and then it would be gone. Shelly, the cheese girl, confirmed my tongue was green. I finally found a water fountain and was able to give my taste-buds some reprieve, but the juice change it's tactic and continued...I burped lawn clippings for the next hour and a half.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Best One-Liner Tonight
"Yeah, right Patrick...if you're a human tripod, then I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch......hmm, so I guess you are a human tripod!"
Friday, May 02, 2003
The 8:30am Butt-Nekkid 20 Yard Dash
Object: To streak into the kitchen, refill your coffee, and sprint back into the bedroom before your roommate catches a glimpse of your naked ass. Points lost for spilling coffee.
